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Russ Johnson

Owners' Manual for the parents of teenaged daughters

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Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who

think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new

owner of a teenaged daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of

your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty

(which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory

for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,

please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more

makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except

when requesting money)?

© Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try,

though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially

experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will

subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.

This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed

to certain behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.

Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start

acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of

a telephone or Instant Messanger.

No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your

teenaged daughter.

There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the

words "clean" and "neat."

Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers

that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive,

fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm

going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they

have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap

themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently

strew throughout the house.

If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with

"neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They

expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased

for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it

is like so disgusting.

She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because

some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me

eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give

her the money, preferably both.

If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy

might see you and ohmigod he is so hot.

Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly

sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.

If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are

available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress

like a lap dancer.

You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before

leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she

will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:

Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High,"

and "Ultra High."

Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be

enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY:

This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for

heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who

think it is hilarious.

Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes

for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and

as far as you are concerned never really will.

If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you

expect?

In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back

under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there

- you just have to look for her.

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Mine will be 13 in Sept. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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WOW.... it's my current life story.... and i'm just getting started.. a 12 yr old who thinks she's going on 30

Ditto on the 12 year old - who got her first kiss Monday while Dad was out of town. There will be hell to pay very soon I fear!

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Ditto on the 12 year old - who got her first kiss Monday while Dad was out of town. There will be hell to pay very soon I fear!

Oh I got a 12 year old daughter and a 7 month old little boy, the only tatteling he's going to do is demanding a bottle

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Put him to work old man!! :)

Have him operating the new branch division of deck-bright!!

He was my primary helper, but wanted to work elsewhere, too. There are alot of conflicts. I often start early, or work late. He prefers to start late and finish early...go figure! I worked circles around him anyway, I guess he felt inadequate. He's a good kid, but he's at that age where he needs to work for someone else, and who won't cut him any slack. Maybe I should send him your way. He's got experience!

Believe me, I'd be willing to trade for a teenage daughter right about now!

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You don't need more guns, a shovel is good enough. When that pimply faced perverted shows up to get your little girl, make sure your little girl is in her room. Put you arm around the *******'s shoulder. Ask him nicely, if he wants you to dig the hole, or does he want to dig his own grave.

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I'm LMAO. I remember this so well. Had a teenage step daughter and a teenage son at the same time. They were two years apart with her being older. Hard to tell which one was worse. I think as they grew older each one tried to out do the other. But I do remember the showers, towels, clothes ect.... However she did get a job and bought most of her own smell good stuff. But, her mother uses the smell good as well so they swapped at times. But like all things it will pass. She is now 28 married no children of her own yet! My son is also married with two his own and 3 step children at 26 (there is a GOD) . I just sit back a smile everytime he starts talking about what has happened......... Being PAPAP is alot easier and loads more fun than being DAD ever was.........

as the doctor said "relax this won't hurt a bit"

LOL......

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