The Rob

Temperature here was 2 with windchill -10, it has now warmed up to 12 and windchill is 0.

We had our derby 2 weeks ago. The design of the cars did not seem to make much difference in the outcome of the race. My son had an extended cab pickup that we ran down backwards on the track. He took 1st place with the truck. I did take the axles and put them in a drill, and then used super fine sandpaper polished the axles. There is a little axle like deal that you can buy to put the wheels in and polish them also, which is a good idea. Remember that according to official rules the car can weigh no more than 5 ozs. The scout shop has flat weights you can buy that screw on, and then all you have to do is break little sections off to make it weigh right. To fine tune the weight, we use little screws to finish it. I think that you have to use the slots in the block of wood, but you are allowed to true them up with a saw. I made one for myself that looked like a bathtub and put it in the open race. It done decent, but did not win. Just remember to have fun with your son, that is what it is all about!

I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case

Old Rooster... A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral of this story? 1) You don't get old being a fool! 2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance! 3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS !

This is pretty funny, but sad that it is so close to the truth! TEACHER ARRESTED AT AIRPORT NEW YORK-- A public school teacher was arrested today at JohnF.KennedyInternationalAirportas he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Via the Stone Files: Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my sev! en-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she s peaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Here is an article on a donations web site for katrina. I tried posting the article but the BBS wouldn't let me. Robert http://informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=170701595

I will try it again. Supremacist Soliciting Katrina Donations Online Sept. 8, 2005 A Missouri judge ordered several Web sites shuttered, after the state's Attorney General charged they were being run illegally and would only channel funds to white hurricane victims. By Gregg Keizer TechWeb News A judge in Missouri ordered several Web sites shuttered Wednesday after the state's Attorney General accused a St. Louis man -- an alleged racist and anti-Semite -- of illegally soliciting donations for Katrina relief efforts. It was the first known case of an official crackdown on Web scams taking advantage of the disaster in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. Early Wednesday, Attorney General Jay Nixon filed an injunction asking the court to shut down 10 sites, all which fed to a central hub at internetdonations.org, that were asking for donations to Katrina relief. Nixon also asked that all funds collected be returned. "Among other things, the sites were concealing the fact that none were registered as a charitable organization," said Jim Gardner, a spokesman for Attorney General Nixon. Nixon's lawsuit also claimed that the man behind internetdonations.org -- who had recently registered several sites, among them katrinafamilies.com, kartrinafund.name, donate-kartrina.com, and katrina-donations.com -- "support white supremacy and that the money raised from the consumers will be only for use to help white victims of the hurricane." "This is a horrendous use of the victims of Hurricane Katrina to the benefit of a hate group," Nixon said at a news conference. He added that Weltner is associated with the National Alliance, which his office described as "listed by the Southern Poverty Law Center as one of the nation's most active neo-Nazi hate groups." The National Alliance Web site currently features a large ad-style link on its home page that reads "Katrina: The Aftermath / Help White Victims." Weltner also operates jewwatch.com, an anti-Semitic site that was in the news last year when Google listed it as the top-ranked hit on searches using the word "jew." The site is now ranked No. 2, behind an entry in Wikpedia. "This was political motivated," said Weltner, contacted at his home in St. Louis. "They just want to stomp on people based on their political views. This whole thing is a misunderstanding. Every penny was going to tax-exempt charities like the Red Cross and the Salvation Army." Weltner denied any connection with the National Alliance, and said he was not a racist or anti-Semite. "I'm a racial egalitarian. Jewwatch.com is absolutely not an anti-Semitic site. It's actually a library of information about the history of Jews that's been hidden from people," Weltner said. "It's a clipping library, I'm a librarian." Jewwatch.com's front page features a photo of Lenin posed facing a photo of Michael Chertoff, the head of the Department of Homeland Security, and collects links under such subject headings as "Jewish Controlled Press" and "Jewish Zionist-Soviet Anti-American Spies." "The Bolsheviks were basically Russian Jews in exile living in New York," claimed Weltner during the interview. The donation-collecting sites, as well as the internetdonations.org hub, are now offline. On Wednesday afternoon St. Louis Circuit Judge Julian Bush issued a temporary restraining order requiring Weltner to stop seeking contributions. Weltner wasn't even sure who took down his sites. "I didn't take them down. Someone else may have done it." "I may contest some of [the lawsuit]," said Weltner, "but I don't intend to do battle with the state of Missouri. I could have stood on the corner with a cup and collected money and there wouldn't have been any problem, but now I've been slandered and accused of collecting money for racist groups." As far as he knew, Weltner said, he had not managed to collect any monies before the sites were shut down. "But if I had, I've said I would have written a check to the Attorney General. "I just tried to help people," he said.

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having *** in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4.. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those F@CKING kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling *** jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh Sh!t what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

I always get half down if the job is going to take more than a day or over $400. I figure that I work on trust. I trust them to pay me the second half of the money, and they trust me to do the job. Usually the first half down only covers materials anyways. I have been doing contracting work for the last nine years, and I have never had anyone have a problem with half down. So I would suggest for jobs over a certain amount (pick a number) get half down. Just my .02

These are hilarious, but I could see my youngest son doing the Taco Bell episode to us! Via the Stone Files: Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my sev! en-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she s peaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

These people are scary! Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. `````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ````````````````````````````````````````````` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ````````````````````````````` "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````` "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. ```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark `````````````````````````````````` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !) ``````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle `````````` "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca ``````````` "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ```````````````````````````````````````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. ````````````````````````````````` "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President `````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP ( he's smart) ```````````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery `````````````````````` "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ```````````````````````````````````````````` "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Funny, but has alot of truth to it I thought! An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" (hang on, this is really good......) The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

What we have to look forward to when we get old! An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." , Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

I thought these were pretty funny! Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" **************************************************************************************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" **************************************************************************************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" **************************************************************************************************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight." ****************************************************************************************************** A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ***************************************************************************************************** A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ****************************************************************************************************** There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." ******************************************************************************************************* A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" ***************************************************************************************************** Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ******************************************************************************************************** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ******************************************************************************************************* The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ****************************************************************************************************** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

The First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild ***, they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having *** all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!" **** The Second Affair There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. A month of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen... He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!" **** The Third Affair A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" **** The Fourth Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." **** The Fifth Affair A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business." **** The Sixth Affair Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, " relax, let the poison work."

The Feds don't if it is under $2000, they require nothing. If it is over $2000 they require G.L., W.C., and prevailing rate wage for all workers.

I went and looked at this 16x16 deck Friday to see about stripping it. The home owner applied Sherwin Williams Deckscapes waterborne product on Memorial day 2005. The deck it self was built in August 2004 with the house. The deck looks terrible, like it was done 3-4 years ago with Behr or something along that line of crap. Sherwin Williams has offered to supply the stripper for free, so they are at least taking some action on it. My question is would you go with S W stripper or is there something that will work better? There is a poured patio underneath with colored concrete, so what would be the concerns with that? There is also alot of landscaping around it, so what stripper for that?I have attached some pictures to get a better idea of what I'm talking about. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks, Robert

What do you think caused it to do that? Something in the wood? Something wrong with that batch of product? The guy said that the regional rep of SW was out from K.C. and had never seen anything like it either. The guy said that was the way it looked just as soon as it dried. I plan on talking to SW myself, but I used the waterborne product from SW about three years ago, and it turned out looking really good! I used it one time because I didn't like how it went on, but the customer loved it. When I talked to her last fall she said it looked as good as it did when it first was applied. I told this guy that I was going to post it and see what some of the ideas were for what caused it, so any ideas along that line would be helpful. Thanks, Robert

Washaway, Try this website: http://factfinder.census.gov/home/saff/main.html?_lang=en Robert

I have done home inspections in the past. There is good money in it, but people seem to think that you should be able to see through solid walls and find anything that is wrong. Then when you do find something that needs fixed, the sellers get a real attitude that you dare find something wrong with their perfect house. Then you need what is called errors and omission insurance just for the home inspection business, this is something general liability insurance doesn't cover. Just my .02 cents.

>An elderly lady phoned her telephone company >to report that her telephone >failed to ring when her friends >called - and that on the few occasions when it >did ring, her pet dog always moaned >right before the phone rang. > >The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. >He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, >and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the >telephone began to ring. > >Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: > >1. The dog was tied to the telephone >system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. > >2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. > >3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. > >4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start >moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. > >5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, >thus causing the phone to ring. >Which demonstrates ... >that some problems CAN be fixed >by pissing and moaning.

B.A. Criminal Justice Adminstration, Minor in History. Working on my Masters now.

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad ***, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."