Jokes

[One Tough Pressure 580]

At an elementary school in Indiana, a teacher asks her students to come to class the next day with a story about something that happened to them, and what was the moral of it.

The next day the kids came to class. The teacher calls on the first student who says, "Well, my sister was carrying all the eggs from the chicken coop in one basket, then the bottom fell out, and a lot of them broke. So the morale is never put all your eggs in one basket."

The teacher then called on the next student who said, "We planned on loading up the wagon, so we got everything set up on the cart, then went to find that our horse was sick. So the moral is never put the cart before the horse."

The teacher then called on the next student who said, "Well my Uncle Joe was flying his Apache in a war zone when he was shot down. All he could get out of the chopper was his rifle, knife and a bottle of whiskey.

He was surrounded by 100 enemy troops, and decided that there was no way he would let them get his whiskey, so he drank it. With his rifle he killed 70 enemy troops until he ran out of ammunition. Then he started running around with his knife, killing 20 more until the knife broke. Then with his bare hands he killed the last ten"

Mortified, the teacher asked, "What could possibly be the moral of this story?"

The student then answered, "That's easy. The moral is never mess with Uncle Joe when he's been drinking."

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A Navy Chaplain, a USAF Doctor & a Marine "JAG" officer (Lawyer) were in a boat near an island, had lost their oars, and their boat was surrounded by sharks.

They determined, that for two of them to make it to the island, one was going to have to swim away from the boat, out towards the open sea, while the other two swam for the island.

The JAG officer said, "I'll do it", and he jumped over board. He quickly swam away while the other two jumped in on the other side of the boat & headed for the island. The two made it and looked towards the open sea to see how the other man was doing.

To their surprise, the JAG officer was riding the back of a shark. The shark then dropped him off at the island. The JAG Officer waves to the sharks who swam away.

The Chaplain said, "it's a miracle". The Doctor said, "Medically, I just don't understand how you pulled that trick off".

To which the JAG Officer replied, "it was just a professional courtesy."

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Two Army quartermaster soldiers were talking (1 male, 1 female-blonde). "I know how to get some time off from duty," said the male soldier.

"How do you think you will do that?" asked the blonde soldier.

He then proceeded to show her... by climbing up on the warehouse rafters and hanging upside down.

The Captain walked in, saw the soldier hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb, Sir" answered the soldier.

"I think you need some time off," said the Captain. So, the soldier jumped down and walked out of the warehouse.

And the blonde soldier began walking out too. The Captain asked her where did she think she was going?

"To the barracks, Sir! I can't work in the dark".

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[Dave Olson 23]

Good ones Alan, thanks for posting them! ;)

Dave Olson

[ProjectEarth 14]

First grade class teacher says to her students one day, "We're gonna play a little game. First you are going to say and spell your daddy's job and then you're gonna tell us what it is!"

So little Meg raises her hand! "My daddy is a banker! B-A-N-K-E-R. He loans money to people who need it."

"Very good, Meg", says the teacher. How about you Jackson?

"My dad is an electrician! L-E-C. No wait. E-L-L-E-C. No. L-E-K-T-R (pause)..."

"That's a hard one." the teacher tells him. "Why don't you think about it a moment and we'll try Frankie."

So Frank stands up and says, "My dad is a bookie! B-O-O-K-I-E. He would give you 7 to 1 that Jackson ain't never gonna spell 'electrician'."

-JC

[Henry B. 4]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed

more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (who was about 20-yrs-old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her

condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned. Then, she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile. Then she

placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[leadarrows 14]

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of

my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following

details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the

accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which,

when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather

than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by

using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the

sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,

swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and

untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the

bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh

135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my

presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I

proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of

the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an

equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor

abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the

accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,

not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep

into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of

mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to

experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however,

the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately

50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a

rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third

floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured

ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my leg and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my

injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three

vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on

the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and

presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty

barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken

legs.