Alcohol Warnings

[One Tough Pressure 580]

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the

following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol

containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your underwear.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering

when you are not.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a

retard.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends

over

and over again that you love them.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers

are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically

converse without spitting.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are

tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are

laughing WITH you.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are

invisible.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the

time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large chunks of

time.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical

Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the

morning and see something really scary.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable

rug

burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.