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Jesse

Joke of the day

Question

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the

horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,

why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying

horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape

before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS

guy wants to buy Mom.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what

happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent

thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your

perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I

wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it

because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't

you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse

with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,

physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to

buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants

me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make

the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is

sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great

pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst,"

and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this

or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the

door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and

began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her

all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch!"

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A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports

car and was pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver

dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

" What does it look like?" she asked.

The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and

handed it to the cop. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back

saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

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Location: Alabama (where else)

A cop pulls a car over for speeding. The officer approaches the car with caution. Realizing it was a female he did not feel threatened. He asked for license and registration. She replied with "What in the heck is that?"

Confused the officer asked if she knew her tag had been stolen off the car.

To this she asked "What's a tag?"

Dumbfounded the officer returned to his car to radio into the office. "You would not believe this" the officer said "I have a girl here that does not know what a license, registration or a tag is." The officer who answered his call said "said go back to the car window and pull it out."

The officer screamed "I cant do that, I'll lose my job!!"

The officer on the other end informed him that he would not lose his job and that he would cover for him.

So the officer returned to the car window and pulled it out.

The girl said "oh great another breathilizer."

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