Jesse 15 Report post Posted August 24, 2004 Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom. A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ." "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
0 Jon 533 Report post Posted August 24, 2004 Darn my parrot better not be that smart! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
0 One Tough Pressure 580 Report post Posted August 25, 2004 A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. " What does it look like?" she asked. The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the cop. "Here it is," she said. The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
0 Jonathan 14 Report post Posted September 2, 2004 Location: Alabama (where else) A cop pulls a car over for speeding. The officer approaches the car with caution. Realizing it was a female he did not feel threatened. He asked for license and registration. She replied with "What in the heck is that?" Confused the officer asked if she knew her tag had been stolen off the car. To this she asked "What's a tag?" Dumbfounded the officer returned to his car to radio into the office. "You would not believe this" the officer said "I have a girl here that does not know what a license, registration or a tag is." The officer who answered his call said "said go back to the car window and pull it out." The officer screamed "I cant do that, I'll lose my job!!" The officer on the other end informed him that he would not lose his job and that he would cover for him. So the officer returned to the car window and pulled it out. The girl said "oh great another breathilizer." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
0 PATZPW 14 Report post Posted September 23, 2004 Two Muffins Are In The Oven , The 1 St Muffin Says Boy It Sure Is Hot In Here. The Second Muffin Says Holy S### A Talking Muffin. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape
before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS
guy wants to buy Mom.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to
buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make
the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is
sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great
pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch!"
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