Married for the night.

[Jon 533]

MARRIED FOR THE NIGHT

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other

people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over

sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep

quickly...........he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

Around 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into

the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that

we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f...kin blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[One Tough Pressure 580]

Classic.

[Patrick at HMSGA 14]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes, a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat, and with a big lump on his head where a driver was busted across his skull. He still had remnants of what looked like a torn up golf bag hanging from his tattered clothing. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a cow pasture. We went to look for it and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointing at ball stuck in the cow's rear and yelled to my wife, Hey honey, this looks like yours!"

[James 624]

Well I just had my morning laugh !!!

[Beth n Rod 1,279]

...too funny!

Beth

[Patrick at HMSGA 14]

I am happily married for 33 years, none, well few of these, come from personal experience, but I still think they are funny...

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

In a successful marriage, for him - the man tries to earn more than his wife can spend, and for her - she finds that man.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A married man should just go ahead and forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing for the rest of time.

[Mike Williamson 198]

Behind every man is a smart woman.

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan

conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage

point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back

behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom

that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.

[Mike Williamson 198]

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the

first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that

they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't like

Chinese. "

The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that? "

The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. "

The F.O. said, " Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That

JAPANESE, not Chinese. "

And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't

matter. They're all alike. "

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew. "

The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "

" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the

Titanic. It was an iceberg. "

" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same "

[Mike Williamson 198]

Ways to turn Men Down

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?

SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?

SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.

SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

[Mike Williamson 198]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[Mike Williamson 198]

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college student, delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "This is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great".

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund".

"By the way, what are you studying?, inquired the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

[Mike Williamson 198]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, waeliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Mike Williamson 198]

Bill and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day

while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bill suddenly

jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed

there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and

pulled Bill out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now

considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good

news and bad news". The good news is you're being discharged. Since you

were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the

life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound

mindedness. "The bad news is: Bill, the patient you saved, hung himself

with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry,

but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

[Mike Williamson 198]

A man and his wife were arguing terribly over something. They decided that it would be best not to talk to each other anymore that day.

The man had to catch an early flight the next day and needed to be up by 5:30 am. Not wanting to be the first to give in and break the silence, he wrote a note which read "I need to be up at 5:30 am. Please wake me". After putting it on her pillow, he slumbered off to lala land.

The next day he wakes up and looks at the clock. Only to see that it's 8:15 am. He sits up and see's a note sitting next to him on the bed. It reads "Wake up it's 5:30".

[Mike Williamson 198]

Two guys were sitting around trying to figure a way to get out of work. As the boss walks in, one of them jumps upon a rafter and hangs upside down by the bend of his knees. The boss looks at him and asks what he's doing. The man replies, "I'm a light bulb" to which the boss says, "You seriously need some time off. Go home for the afternoon and rest."

The second guy starts to follow him out and their boss asks, "Just where do you think you're going?" to which the man promptly answered, "I'm going home too. You don't think I can work in the dark, do you?"

[Mike Williamson 198]

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be

misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so

popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and

blamed it on the high cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's

population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by

those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and

he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Shin: A device for finding furniture.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them.

[Mike Williamson 198]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

[Mike Williamson 198]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

[Mike Williamson 198]

An old man in his car was driving home from work when his wife called him on his car phone.

"Honey," she said in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, that there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the freeway."

"It's worse than that," he replied. "There are hundreds of them!

[Mike Williamson 198]

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong?" The boy replied, " No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church."

The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

Johnny replied. " Yes teacher, Dad said he did not have enough bait for both of us."

[Mike Williamson 198]

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

[Mike Williamson 198]

Bible Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

[Mike Williamson 198]

RULES FOR BETTER WRITING.......NOT!

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[Adrian 155]

Praying to God a man asked the question, God, what is a million years to you.

God replies and says, " it's the same as a second".

The man then asked, "God, what is a milliion dollars to you?"

God replies and says "it is the same as a penny"

The man then asked God, " well ( heh heh) can I have a penny?"

God replies and said " sure my son,..... just give me a second"

[mels 14]

i needed a good laugh after a long day thanks

[Richard 17]

A man gets his tax return and decides to go on vacation before his ex wife figures out how to get it.While walking along the beach he comes across a genie bottle.The genie says he will grant the man 3 wishes but what ever he grants him he must give his ex twice as much.For his first wish he requests a million dollars.The genie agrees but says I must give your ex twice as much.I don't care because for my second wish I'd like a mansion on the side of a mountain with a beautifull view.That's fine says the genie but I 'll have to give your ex one twice as big.The man says I don't care because for my third wish I'd like you to take that stick right there and beat me half to death.